


Sound Of Your Heart

by carmillachangedme



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Bittersweet, F/F, Jealous Carmilla, carmillas pov from events, heartbeat fic, i don't even know what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:53:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4703393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carmillachangedme/pseuds/carmillachangedme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I started listening to Sound Of Your Head by Shawn Hook today and felt the need to write something using the music. So i wrote this one shot focusing on Carmilla's POV during certain events during the series. It also focuses around Carmilla's love to hear Laura's heartbeat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sound Of Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Please listen to "Sound Of Your Heart" by Shawn Hook while listening! I wrote the whole one shot around the song, so it might make the experience better  
> /////////// means a time change in the section  
> Also a big thank you and shout out to @MonaLovesYa on twitter. She terrorized me with angst this morning and kick started my angsty thoughts and brought me out of a writing slump.  
> 

The first thing Carmilla can hear as she gets closer to the apartment is music. It's floating quietly through the tunnels that she’s currently in. She had gone out to search for Mattie which was useless. If Mattie doesn't want to be found then nobody will be able to find her. But Laura had asked her to do it, and she has a difficult time denying the smaller girl.

She’s underneath the living room now, the music is louder now. She can make out that there’s some crappy top 40 music being played from Laura’s computer. She must have forgot to turn it off when she was wrangling everyone up to go search the campus. Carmilla sits and tries to ignore the music the best she can, but is starting to fail miserably. Top 40 pop music is like fingernails on a chalkboard for her.

She slowly lifts up the trap door and looks around the apartment’s living room to make sure the coast is clear before she lifts herself up and out of the small space under the floor. While she makes her way to the computer a new song comes on, one she hasn’t heard before. The soft piano grabs her attention. It isn’t immediately making her want to throw the computer out the window so she sits down to listen to the rest of the song. The lyrics start and suddenly Carmilla isn't in the room anymore.

_“You were my courage, my sword and shield_

_Grace under pressure, my wall of steel_

_I was a stone weighing us down_

_You were an angel I chained to the ground”_

She’s back in their old dorm room. Just Laura and Carmilla and nobody else. They’re reading from the big Sumerian book they just retrieved and trying to find ways to take down her mother. For the first time in centuries Carmilla felt strong enough to do something. With Laura by her side she felt like she could take on the world. Someone finally believed in her. Someone finally didn't think she was a monster. Someone finally saw through the vampire and saw a person. Laura had been building her up, the light that shone from her was starting to brighten Carmilla’s darkness.

But at the same time she couldn’t forget what she had dragged her into. The nightmares, being marked for sacrifice, dragging her friends into it as well. It went both ways, Carmilla’s darkness was rubbing onto Laura. She was dimming her light as she got pulled further into the supernatural con game.

The guilt that wracked Carmilla during those times came crashing back. She would never be good enough for Laura. Now that she knows about the supernatural world she’s always going to get pulled back into it. It's like a nightmare you can never wake up from, and it's all her fault. Laura will never be able to escape this life. Carmilla dragged her down here in the first place and now she’s chained to it forever.

All her memories with Laura in the old dorm room are passing by her now. The closer they get to the battle the darker she saw Laura getting. The pressure of what was coming, her friend being pod personed, Xena not talking to her, and everything else was dimming her sunshine. And it was Carmilla’s fault.

Now she’s seeing Laura’s face after she found out what Carmilla did to Kirsch. The heartbreak is ripping through her again. To see her be so bright and excited earlier in the day over hope of the sword, to being so dark and angry because of Carmilla’s betrayal burned her. She had never heard Laura so angry or heartbroken when she told her to get lost.

Now she’s standing at the edge of the pit. She’s so scared. Laura is standing behind her sobbing and crying out for her. Carmilla grabs onto the light in her that Laura had given her weeks ago. The light gives her the courage and strength to go on. She needs to unchain her angel from the hell she dragged her into.

“You know i'm really beginning to hate all this heroic vampire crap”

And then she’s jumping into the pit. It’s blinding how bright it is. She’s surrounded in light and it's so beautiful. And then everything is dark. She used up all the light in her, she gave it back to Laura. She doesn't deserve it anyways. The familiar darkness wraps around her as she lays in the bottom of the pit. The last thing she thinks about before she goes cold is Laura.

_“I miss the way you undress, I miss your head on my chest_

_Can’t stop this bleeding, can't stop believing”_

They’re under the stars now. Laura is straddling her hips and Carmilla is unzipping her dress. It’s the first time they’ve been truly alone since Carmilla was rescued from the pit. Carmilla is taking in every detail about Laura and storing it to memory. She doesn't want to forget the way she shivers under her gaze. The way goosebumps raise up from her skin wherever she touches her. The way Laura’s skin feels against hers. The way her body weight pushes her down into the chaise they’re on. She doesn’t want to forget every little noise she makes. But mostly she doesn't want to forget how it feels like to have Laura wrapped around her and her head resting on her chest after they finish. Carmilla stayed awake for hours after Laura had fallen asleep to just be able to feel Laura curled against her. To feel the rise and fall of her chest against hers. To listen to her heartbeat. Carmilla held onto Laura all night and committed the sound of her heartbeat to memory. By the time she fell asleep she’s positive she could pick out the sound of Laura’s heartbeat anywhere.

Carmilla stills feels the guilt of pulling Laura into the darkness that is her life, but since coming back from the dead the light is starting to fill her again. With every glance, touch, and kiss from Laura she’s filled with a little more light. Carmilla will never be able to escape her demons or the life she lives, but Laura is enough to ease the burden. Laura light alone is enough to chase away the dark shadows in her life. She will do everything in her power to make sure the light never leaves this girl again.

_“I’m missing the sound of your heart beating_

_Baby I’m in love with you_

_I’m missing the sound of your heart beating_

_Baby you were mine to lose_

_I’m missing the sound of your heart beating”_

She’s sitting in front of Laura now. There are tears in Laura’s eyes and she looks like a confused puppy. She really doesn't understand, does she? Carmilla really wishes the whole dimwit squad wasn't around to witness this but she can’t keep this bottled up anymore. She loves Laura, and has an extremely hard time saying no to her, but this is too much for her. How could she expect her to just cut off everything with her sister to follow her?

“If you really loved me then you would stay. I need you to be the kind of person that helps and fights.”

“You haven't listened to a single word i’ve said”

She looks into Laura’s eyes, hoping to see something in the girl that shifts. Something that looks like she can see her side. It doesn't happen though, and Carmilla’s heart is shattering for the second time in minutes. The first time hurt, when Laura didn't say she loved her back hurt, but this is worse. She followed this girl blindly. Taking advantage of the fact that Carmilla would help her no matter what. She thought Laura would be able to see her side, but apparently not. She doesn't really accept all the parts of her. She only accepts the part that will help and shoves aside all the messy details that come along with it. She feels like her heart has been ripped out of her chest.

“I'm done”

“Carm, please! Carm!” She’s running out of the room, away from Laura’s tears. She has to get away before Laura can say something to make her stay.

She stops just outside the house. She can hear Laura sobbing inside, each hitch in her breath is like a knife being driven further into Carmilla’s already shattered heart. She knows Danny is in there comforting and touching Laura and a spark of jealousy starts in her. For the first time in over a century tears start to fall from her eyes.

She runs away into the night, away from her light and love. Later that night when she’s tossing and turning and can't sleep she thinks of that night under the stars with Laura. The memory is painful, but the sound of her heartbeat in the memory calms her down. She keeps replaying the memory over and over in her head just so she can listen to her heartbeat. She falls asleep with the ghost of Laura’s heartbeat thumping against her own chest.

_“You showed me heaven, you rang up bells_

_I played with matches, it hurt like hell_

_I sleep and wake, you’re all I see_

_I Can’t escape you, can’t set you free_

_I miss your full moon rising, catching a breath in silence_

_Can’t stop this bleeding, can’t stop believing”_

She’s back at the apartment now. She couldn’t stay away from Laura. Despite the fact that she cannot see why Carmilla is hurt, she can't let Laura get hurt. She loves Laura too much to just stand by and let herself get killed because of a petty heart break.

Carmilla closes herself off. She goes back to being cold and sarcastic to everyone. If Laura thinks she can shove aside the true nature of Carmilla, she should think again. Thats exactly what Carmilla is going to give her. The monster side that Laura thinks doesn't matter, that she can overlook that part if she's doing something good for her. She lets hell loose in the shared apartment as she tries to block out Laura, but she can't help it. She’s in her dreams, she’s there when she wakes up. There's no way to escape it, and everytime she sees her it's another tear in her heart. She gets her revenge by teasing Laura, she knows the effect her body has on her. Admittedly Carmilla does it for her own selfish reasons. She knows how Laura’s heart races when she sees or feels Carmilla. So she wears as few clothes as possible around her just to be able to hear the sound of her heart beating louder. She brushes past her as often as she can to hear her heart pick up. She’s addicted to that sound and even though it pains her to be so near Laura and not actually have her, the high she gets from hearing her heart soothes her own pain.

Over time however she starts to close herself off more. She sees that Laura is serious about this break up. Carmilla doesn't let herself replay any of their good memories together. All the sweet moments stolen away in their dorm room start to fade. The waltzing seems like a lifetime ago. Their first kiss seems nothing but a dream. She starts to let go of the stargazing. Everything that happened that night seems like it happened to someone else. She no longer can feel the ghost of Laura’s skin under her fingertips. She doesn't feel her wrapped around her body, doesn't feel her breathe against her neck as she sleeps. She almost has every memory locked away, but Carmilla has the most trouble with closing herself off at night from listening to Laura’s heartbeat. She can hear it everywhere in the house, and it takes all her concentration to close her ears off to it. The only time she sleeps now is when she comes home too drunk off of blood to try and stop herself from listening to Laura’s heartbeat.  

////////////////////////////////////////

All of that hard work is undone when Laura holds the stupid debate. Weeks of closing herself off is overridden by her innate nature to protect Laura. She knows Vordenburg is up to something and she can't stop herself from trying to warn her. Laura closing the curtain on her hurt. All the hard work, gone. The second she got close to Laura she heard her heart beat again. Heard how it picked up from her proximity. The memories she blocked out came crashing back in. Her hard exterior is cracking. She’s leaning up against the wall selfishly drinking in as much of Laura as she can get from the other side of the curtain. She can smell her shampoo, the fabric softener on her clothes. The sweet perfume that Carmilla loves. The sound of her voice is like music to her hears. But her heart beat… She can hear it pumping fast because of the situation she’s in but it's the most beautiful sound Carmilla has ever heard. She will never get tired of hearing it pump life through Laura’s veins. Carmilla is enjoying the moment of weakness she’s allowed herself when she hears Laura’s heartbeat get inexplicably faster. She reacts before she even fully knows what’s happening

“Mattie no!”

“Are you seriously not done with this gnat? She’s a stupid callow girl and she’s going to get us all killed.” Mattie screeches again, but Carmilla doesn't even bother to cover her ears.

She walks over to the couch she’s been inhabiting the last couple weeks and sits down. What did she just do? Sure she saved Laura but she showed vulnerability again. She’s sitting on the couch with her head in her hands. Why can’t she let her go? She can’t get Laura out of her head but she also can't let her go yet. She can't be with her but she can't bare to see her with anyone else. She didn’t miss her grabbing Danny’s hand. The jealousy that’s been in her since she broke up with Laura is starting to creep up again. The spark has found some kindling and is burning into a small fire now. It should be her that’s there for Laura, not Danny. It should have been her hand that she grabbed, not Danny’s. She can't stop the pain in her chest from missing Laura, from not being able to touch her or hold her. She can’t stop the jealousy that’s slowly growing into an inferno because of Danny. But she can make sure she’s here to protect her. She will be here for her, she will do something if she asks her too. She will never stop believing in her.

_“I’m missing the sound of your heart beating_

_Baby I’m in love with you_

_I'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

_Baby you were mine to lose_

_I'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

_Missing you, missing you_

_I'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

_Missing you, missing you_

_I'm missing the sound of your heart beating”_

Carmilla is sitting on a chair now, pain radiating throughout her chest. She doesn't know where she is. All she remembers is seeing a shower of arrows raining down towards Mattie. Now she’s sitting somewhere and she hears a familiar fluttering noise. She must be delirious. It must be a dream, there's no way she’s this close to her. No way she’s touching her. There's blood in her mouth, she hungrily gulps it down.

“Mattie, where did you bring me?” She asks. But she knows where she is. She would recognize that heartbeat anywhere.

It's too much. She’s too close. Her hands are going to burn holes into her shoulders. Her smell is intoxicating. The sound of her heart is so close to her ear. She needs to get her away before she does something dumb in her weakened state.

“Oh perfect” She looks over at Laura through the corner of her eye. It was like Laura got burned from how fast she pulled away.

The closeness to Laura must have been holding off the pain because as soon as her hands are gone the pain comes crashing back in. She’s fighting to stay awake, she keeps convulsing in on herself involuntarily. She can hear Mattie and Laura arguing but can't make out their words. Her vision is clouding over, she’s about to pass out from the pain. Why did she want Laura off of her? She just wants her to come hold her. She’s so alone. Her body is so cold, but her chest feels like it's on fire. She needs to lay her head against her chest while her fingers gently run through her hair. She needs Laura to come take care of her. She needs Laura. Laura…

She must be dreaming when she regains some consciousness because she's leaning against Laura’s chest. Just like she had been thinking about before the pain took her under. The steady thump-thump-thump of her heart against her back. She could stay here forever wrapped in her arms.

Then she’s being pulled up and out of her embrace. The pain comes rushing back into her. Her chest feels like it's on fire, she can't breathe. Carmilla is guided over to a couch and she lays back. Through all the pain and voices one sound rises above them. She listens into the pounding heart across the room, she doesn't care if this shows weakness. She needs Laura in this moment. Laura will make her better. Listening to her heart helps ground her to her body as her chest is cut open. She doesn't miss the relieved sigh Laura makes, or how her heart rate slows down slightly when the arrow is removed from her chest. _She still cares about me_ Carmilla thinks to herself just before the pain takes her under again.

/////////////////////////////

She’s sitting beside Laura now. Laura had caught her staying up late. Carmilla has given into her weaknesses now. She can no longer keep herself shut off from the girl she loves. She was sitting alone in the living room to protect her from Mattie incase she came to try and attack her in her sleep. She sat there for an hour listening to Laura cry before she drifted off to sleep for a little bit. She wanted to run in there and wrap her arms around her and tell her it’ll be okay, but they aren’t like that anymore. So she had to settle for keeping watch over her.

Carmilla couldn’t keep away from this girl. Something about her kept pulling her back in. For the first time in over a hundred years she had someone to care about. She had someone to put light into her again. Someone to chase away the dark shadows that clung to her. She let herself open up to someone. She chose her again and again. Yet Laura couldn’t see that. She wants Carmilla to sacrifice herself for the greater good, not just for Laura. She was trying her best to change for Laura. She really was, but again Laura couldn’t see it. She wouldn’t have asked about the curly ginger if she didnt slightly care about her. But Laura didn’t think she cared for her. Sure she was asking for Laura’s benefit but the curly one had started to grow a little on her.

Now theyre sitting across from one another, tears in their eyes. Carmilla just poured out her heart for Laura. She’s laid out all her cards and now it's Laura’s turn to see what she does. She knows she’ll never be able to offer her exactly what she wants. But she’ll always be here to offer her what she can.

“Do you miss me?” She looks up at her. She can hear Laura’s breath hitch and her heart rate pick up.

“Like someone cut a hole in me” She watches her as the tears that had been pooling start to fall over the edge.

Carmilla wasnt ready to hear that. She was ready to hear a no, or a maybe. Or any other answer. Not this, not something that cuts her deep. Tears start to build up in her eyes again. She wants to tell Laura so many other things. She wants to grab her and wipe away her tears and kiss her. Kiss away the pain they both feel. But before she can get her thoughts straight, Laura is saying goodnight. This is it. She doesn't want her back, at least not right now. She respects that and she’ll give Laura her space. But she can't rest easy without knowing she’ll always be safe. So Carmilla decides to finally show Laura how much she truly means to her.

“Under her shirt Mattie wear a locket. Inside of it she keeps a piece of her heart, that's what makes her impossible to kill. If she ever tries-” Carmilla breaks off mid sentence as emotion fills her voice.

She’s suddenly filled with images of Laura dying. A million different versions go through her head. Mattie staking her. Mattie choking her. Mattie breaking her neck. Mattie bleeding her out. All of the versions end with Laura on the ground, her eyes glassy. The steady heartbeat that she loves so much has gone quiet as the life leaves her body. The light in her life turns dark. She can’t let these visions come true.

“If she ever tries to kill you again take the locket and crush what’s inside” Thats it. She’s betrayed her sister. If Laura can’t see how much she means to her now she’s not sure what will. For the second time in a century Carmilla cries.

///////////////////////////////////////

Now Carmilla is laying underneath the floorboards. She’s in for the night as Vordenburg’s patrols make their rounds. Laura has also gone to bed, but she can hear her tossing and turning upstairs. She has been listening in on her ever since a couple nights ago when she put her heart on her sleeve. She’s never been more vulnerable in her whole life, but she would do it over and over again if it meant being close to Laura. Even if it’s just as a acquaintance right now.

She’s trying to go to sleep, seeming as there's nothing to do. She’s focusing in on Laura again, it's her favourite thing to fall asleep too. The gentle sound of the air passing in and out of her lungs. The strong heart beating in her chest. She matches her breathing to Laura’s and imagines her undead heart matching the pace of Laura’s. She’s so focused in on the little details of her that she didn't notice that the sounds had grown louder. She opens her eyes to see a shadow above her. Carmilla’s breathe hitches in her chest. What is she doing? Why is she down here? Laura lays down on the floor, matching up perfectly over Carmilla. She’s so close, Carmilla could just reach out and touch her. She sees Laura place her palm against the floorboards, right on top of a crack. Carmilla reaches up to line her hand up against it. So close, only a few millimeters are separating them. She can hear Laura’s breathing and heart rate pick up. This only happens just before she starts crying. She hears tears gently hitting the floor boards and now it's torture to Carmilla. She’s so close to her love. If the floor wasn't here they would be intertwined in eachothers embrace. She could hold Laura until the tears subside. But she can't do anything. She has to lay here and pretend to be asleep.

“I miss you so much Carmilla. I'm so sorry about everything. I just wish we could restart and forget every bad thing that’s happened. I should have run away with you Carm. I should have took the chance. We could be anywhere in the world right now and I wouldn't care. I just want to be with you again.” The sobs start to take over Laura’s body.

Carmilla lays there silently as tears roll down her face. She’s cried more in the past couple months then she has in the past couple decades because of the girl laying on the other side of the floor. She stores every little detail about this encounter to her memory. She never wants to forget what Laura just said to her. She replays the words in her head over and over again until she’s certain she’s got it memorized. She knows that tomorrow she’ll have to pretend she never heard anything. Have to pretend that she didn't spend all night wishing she could break through the floor and curl up with Laura. Pretend she didn't spend all night crying over what she said. She’ll have to pretend to be okay and put on a mask for Laura. But for now she’s content with listening to Laura slowly cry herself to sleep. Listen as her breathing evens out and her heart slows down as sleep takes her. She gets to be close to her again. If only for a night.

“I miss you too cupcake. More than you’ll ever know.” She whispers out just before sleep takes her as well. It's the best sleep she’s had in months.

_“Baby I’m coming, baby I’m coming_

_Tell me now, baby I come running_

_Baby I'm coming, baby I’m coming_

_Say the words, baby I come running”_

Carmilla is back in the living room in the apartment. Her nose is running and her cheeks are soaked in tears. She starts to wipe her face when she sees movement from outside. She looks outside and sees Danny and Laura coming back from their search. Laura is riding on Danny’s back. Jealousy rips through her. She feels like she’s been lit on fire. Seeing Laura smiling and being so carefree while on the back of someone else is making her see red. She should be the one to carry her. She should be the one to make her smile like that. She doesn't care if Lawrence is just her friend, it should be Carmilla out there with Laura making her smile and laugh.

Carmilla slips back under the floorboards just as they crash into the room giggling. She has to lay there trapped under the floor while she listens to Laura and Danny talk about they did all afternoon. Carmilla is biting back tears of jealousy. Why can’t she be up there with Laura? Why can’t she be the one making her smile and laugh? Why did Carmilla have to screw everything up? After reliving all of her memories with Laura in the span of the last couple minutes Carmilla is feeling raw. Her emotions are all over the place. She can't stand by and let Laura slip away from her. Not when things are starting to look better between them.

“It’s great having someone around who actually wants to help other people.” Laura’s voice cuts her deep.

Of course that’s why she likes Danny… Carmilla knows she can’t offer the same things. It's not in her to want to help people she doesn't care about. But the people that Laura cares about are connected to her. If one of them gets hurt, it’ll be the same as her getting hurt. Carmilla can't let that happen. She promised a long time ago to herself to never let the light fad from Laura again. If that means trying to help out other people that are important to Laura then so be it. She can't stand being apart from her anymore. She can't stand watching as Xena gets to sweep in and be there for her. It's time Carmilla steps up her game. It’ll mean she can be close to Laura again. Be able to touch her. Be able to kiss her. But most important be able to lay her head to her chest and listen to the sound of her heart uninterrupted.

_“Missing you, missing you. I'm missing the sound of your heart beating”_

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on tumblr carmillachangedme or on twitter @fandomlyfe :)
> 
> I don't own the rights to anything from the song or the web series


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